nido 

I don't know how old you are, but let me impart some wisdom on you. Just as you do not come between a man and his dog, you do not come between a woman and her cat.

If you have dated this girl for a respectable amount of time, you have obviously gotten along well enough with the cat to appease her, so asking you to move in is a step in the right direction. BUT, if you have any problem whatsoever with the long-term prospect of Mr. Funnywhiskers sleeping between the two of you, changing the color and threading of your sweaters, marking your flip-flops, becoming the focal point of the Holiday card, or stealing your place on the couch, I suggest you bow out gracefully now. Because when push comes to shove, she'll pick his Meow Mix in the pantry over your barbecue chips and bacon cheddar cheese whiz any day of the week. (Not to mention the gas that accompanies both as well.)

Well, that depends on what town. Where are you coming from, where are you going, will you be in one of the red states, and do you have a sense of humor? If not, there's always MySpace.

If you think you're pregnant and you have no idea who the father is and you let a rabbit die as a result, I'm calling PETA myself. I'm from the South and we have a word for people like you. "Cousin." KNOCK IT OFF!

Now I'm a feminist, but women like you make me feel like there should be times when it's OK for there to be a clinic in this country, not to abort babies, but as a preventative measure, where we take these busy-bodied madams, and for the greater good, we sew their girl-holes shut, build their vocabularies, and teach them how to change a tire. That way there is NO EXCUSE.

A suggestion, you ask? Here it is. Garden. Do your dishes. Learn a language. Douche. Just as a guideline; something vertical.

Either he's seeing someone else or he's struggling with some gender or sexual identity issues and he needs the extra room for his "lady package."

Let's just assume that this is the case! Don't sweat it; be a woman about it! This is an opportunity for some good karma! Teach him a lesson in body hair management! Feeling a little vengeful? A little body waxing will benefit you both. Although, I'm sure you'll appreciate his new nether smoothness a bit more than he will. Even if he really is struggling with identity issues. Ouch. Pass the baby lotion, please. (It's a lot milder than regular lotion, especially on a freshly-waxed coin purse.)

Hmmm, toughie. You initiated this debacle by inviting them over to give thanks that you killed their pooch. Good thinking, dipshit. You have three choices: grow a set and tell them you're done playing dead doggie soup kitchen, tell them you've given up eating for political reasons, or move bow-wowt of town.

Make the weekend in Europe. They're a lot cooler about this sort of thing there.

No, seriously, run. Run like you're pre-op Star Jones and I'm ahead of you with a box of Ho-Hos.

It's not funny that your friend got run over by a bus, nor is it funny that you have a stuttering problem. If you tell your friend's mother about the problem and she convinces you that you should still speak, make the speech sound like song lyrics and tell everyone that your feelings would best be summed up in an unreleased early/mid 80's Michael Jackson song. With all the vocal ticking and jerking he used to do, it's not that much of a stretch. Good luck!

I do not follow this series but I have a friend who, instead of blood platelets, has Bertie Botts running through his veins. After using him as my technical advisor, I will tell you this and also use it to serve as a public service announcement: Just because you're gay and a mentor/guide/teach young children does not automatically mean you are a child molester! If that's not what you were afraid of in the first place, then get over whatever it is and read on!

Having a gay mentor can do nothing but help a young wizard! There is no doubt he is going to have the FIERCEST cloak, broom and accessories. EVERY SEASON. *Three snaps in a "Z" formation* Okay?!